求批改雅思作文及评分

楼上两位是托儿，百分之一万的托儿。
我先说我写作3次7分，你感觉要是凑合就信我，要是觉得我这分不够你的档次，就选一楼那新奇雅思和二楼的新东方吧。

首先第一段太短，第一句不够唬人。不用the students，直接students就可以。
第二段第一句就是语法错误，as we all know。仍然是students不用加the，这里不用特指。knowledge可以说learn，但是最好说acquire knowledge,吸取知识。consequence改成consequent，做形容词。后面的it can help改成“，which may help”，增加句子复杂性。你想说explore their minds吧。make themselves smarter吧。cooperation拼错了。acquire spirit改成be a aware of team spirit。最后一句改成time of proceed。

第三段，study knowledge是绝对不能出现的中式英语。which is interested by them，没有这种说法，改成which they may be interested in.你想说present society吧。studying alone more “conveniently”，其实这里还不如用effectively. 最后一句没看懂。

最后一段第一句，还是learn knowledge，没有这个搭配。还有，你凭什么说这个就比那个好？应该在第三段中让步一下，虽然单独学习好，但是缺点是XXX，然后最后一段才可以说单独学习不如一起学的好。

总体来说，我到没看出来你用的模板，但是语法结构太单调，一句话一行都不到就结束了。还有词汇变化太少，重复使用。连贯性一般，连接词用的不够。
你要是需要6分以上，一定要多加练习，然后一定要找人改！

我给你打分的话，5分吧。

不管怎么样，中国学生的写作都是提分最难的，你一定要加油练习，多写，我就是这么提高的。祝你好运！！

总的来说是不错的，上6应该可以～
如果你是一个初级“烤鸭”，我觉得你很不错啦～～～～
不过我希望你还能再接再厉啦～给你些意见啦～

希望你的替换词多一些，不要总是the price of petrol～
还有一个硬伤，模版痕迹太重！貌似是慎小嶷的杰作（我想你懂得～）
再有就是一篇文章不是用的短语越多越好，用的恰到好处的就行～多了就有点累赘，比如：that is to say这个短语真的是没用的，但是你用了2次
“Last but not least”～ 多点高级单词很提分～

希望能给你帮助啦～
只是建议咯～我只是曾经的一只“烤鸭”（作文7），所以，我的建议是草根滴～非官方哈～

1Admittedly , the opinion (that any one through education can do things more professional in one area , which can hold water to some extent )这句话不完整，没有谓语，括号部分为从句。
2Advocates point out that if the society gives them sufficient education and time during their studying age , they will got high scores in the future . 这句话可以改的更紧凑一些，Advocators claim that if certain level of education was made available, students would achieve higher score. 这句话强调的重点是如果学生能够接受一定程度的教育，他们的成绩会更好，the society, in future,这些不是句子强调的重点，为了避免文章的冗余，我把它省略了，我在if这里还用了一个虚拟语气，表假设
3 Education plays a pivotal role in everyone’s life and future education could bring more opportunities when people finding jobs.这句话2个问题，1是句子的冗余，2是没有把句子中的逻辑关系表达出来。我改成 Education plays a pivotal role in everyone's life as it contribute to significantly to job hunting. 我在这里用一个as表示因果关系，英语和中文不同，中文句子之间的逻辑连接很多时候是一种自然衔接，而英文则需要用各种连接词来体现句子或者词组之间的逻辑关系。
4Only if she has enough education to study and enough time to practice . She might be a good sport player (only 引导的条件句是要倒装的，格式是only by doing can sb/sth do...)所以我改成 Only by maintaining enough study and practice activities can she become an excellent athlete.
5Another army of people hold the different opinion that some people are born with certain talents, such as the gift for sport or music. They can do better than others紧凑其间，这2句可以合并成一句，Others may challenge that natural tallent in sport and music may contriute to outstanding achievement in these areas.
6First and foremost, the point is that they got the gift since they were infants, so they would show the talents not more than one thing. If parents found their children had gifts on music, how were they do in the next stage? 议论文强调客观，所以尽量不要用疑问句，还有first and foremost, the point ist that 这段东西还是省略了吧，这只是一个承上启下的连接词啊，我改成First, their natural gift can be perceived when they are very young attracting the investment of more training resources which contribute to their future success.

我改了下面这些，希望对你有帮助

1Admittedly , the opinion (that any one through education can do things more professional in one area , which can hold water to some extent )这句话不完整，没有谓语，括号部分为从句。
2Advocates point out that if the society gives them sufficient education and time during their studying age , they will got high scores in the future . 这句话可以改的更紧凑一些，Advocators claim that if certain level of education was made available, students would achieve higher score. 这句话强调的重点是如果学生能够接受一定程度的教育，他们的成绩会更好，the society, in future,这些不是句子强调的重点，为了避免文章的冗余，我把它省略了，我在if这里还用了一个虚拟语气，表假设
3 Education plays a pivotal role in everyone’s life and future education could bring more opportunities when people finding jobs.这句话2个问题，1是句子的冗余，2是没有把句子中的逻辑关系表达出来。我改成 Education plays a pivotal role in everyone's life as it contribute to significantly to job hunting. 我在这里用一个as表示因果关系，英语和中文不同，中文句子之间的逻辑连接很多时候是一种自然衔接，而英文则需要用各种连接词来体现句子或者词组之间的逻辑关系。
4Only if she has enough education to study and enough time to practice . She might be a good sport player (only 引导的条件句是要倒装的，格式是only by doing can sb/sth do...)所以我改成 Only by maintaining enough study and practice activities can she become an excellent athlete.
5Another army of people hold the different opinion that some people are born with certain talents, such as the gift for sport or music. They can do better than others紧凑其间，这2句可以合并成一句，Others may challenge that natural tallent in sport and music may contriute to outstanding achievement in these areas.
6First and foremost, the point is that they got the gift since they were infants, so they would show the talents not more than one thing. If parents found their children had gifts on music, how were they do in the next stage? 议论文强调客观，所以尽量不要用疑问句，还有first and foremost, the point ist that 这段东西还是省略了吧，这只是一个承上启下的连接词啊，我改成First, their natural gift can be perceived when they are very young attracting the investment of more training resources which contribute to their future success.