雅思小作文，请高人评分啊，本人英文不好，若有语法错误请指出
Good, this one is much better though you may have to take care of your grammar.
This table shows the details regarding the underground railway systems in six most densely populated metropolitans: London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington dc, Kyoto and Los Angeles.
As is shown in the table, only three of the six cities had underground railway systems before 1930, among them London was the first city established the system(in 1863). By contrast, Los Angeles had not owned a subway system until 2001.
The length of the route is 394 km in London, which is much longer than that in Kyoto(11km) and Los Angeles(28km). However, the subway length in London is at the comparable level with that in Paris, Tokyo and Washington DC (199km, 155km and 126km respectively).
建议可以这样修改：
As the age grows up,the percentage of carrer takes on a decline trend,while the one of interest takes on a increase trend.
修改说明：
As引导的短语做句子的伴随状语，接下来是while连接的含有对比意义的句子，其中，while后面的one是代词，为避免重复，one指代上个分句的percentage。grow和take需要加s，因为句子主语是第三人称单数形式。
由于没有看到该作文的题头，本次修改仅仅是做了语法上的修改，至于句子的用词请作者好好斟酌。
我的修改如下：
This graph shows the distribution of consumer expenditure by categories in five different countries, including Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in the year of 2002. 首句点明主题
Three categories of expenditure are addressed in this graph: Food, drinks and tobacco serve as the first category, Clothing and footwear as the second category, and Leisure and education as the last. 点明三个分类。
下面论述时，先总起句表明观点，然后再列数据；如，总的来说，第一类消费大大超过其他两项消费。In general, the expenditure on the first category surpasses the other two. People in... spent...
然后再提一个观点，如，休闲教育还没有时装消费多。然后再列数据。
这样子写的话，条理就很清楚了。雅思打分是结构、语句、用词都要看的。结构清楚了，就算语言用词不是很精准，分数也会高点。
目前的样子，结构不明确、论点不清晰、用词不够准确。但是句子比较长（即非大量短句) 可理解，现在能够得5分到5.5分。如果结构清楚了，虽然语句不是很准确，也能拔到6分的样子。
根据这张表有比例的国家的消费者支出但五个不同国家的范畴给爱尔兰,意大利,西班牙,瑞典和土耳其的2002年
第一批数据包括食品、饮料和烟草比其他2比例。在这些国家,人们从爱尔兰和土耳其投入更多的25%以上,而其他国家开支低于20%。人们的支出甚至影响到了28.91%在爱尔兰,在土耳其32.14%。
所有的五个国家的服装和鞋类支出低于10%的,但至少超过5%。至于康乐及教育费用是令人难以置信的更少。土耳其过了最,但是唯一的4.35%.The其他4个国家的支出,更少的4%。
通过以上所述,我们可以看到关于这部分的食物,饮料和烟草是最重要的方面,这五个国家。所以,在我们的生命也更应该注意粮食的重要性。
Turkey spent the most,but the only 4.35%.
这种话是典型的中式英语,我也来句中式英语
Turkey spent the highest , but just 4.35% only.
In these countries,people from Ireland and Turkey spent more over 25%
more over 没有这样的用法，一般都用more than
英语基本句法都没有学到 你考雅思的路还很长 这篇文章 最多给你5分
倒数第三行less要加the吗？
5.5
个人意见
雅思小作文,请高人评分啊,本人英文不好,若有语法错误请指出
This graph shows the distribution of consumer expenditure by categories in five different countries, including Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in the year of 2002. 首句点明主题 Three categories of expenditure are addressed in this graph: Food, drinks and tobacco serve as the...
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