【200分求助】雅思作文批改②。非常感谢。【方便的话可以另存为word文档批改后发到邮箱yasizuowen@163.com
已发送：）
With the flourish of manufacturing industries and the amelioration of living standards, many nations are confronted with a severe surge of energy demand. To meet that demand, instead of fossil fuels, some countries are encouraging the utilization of alterative energy sources, which are more environment-friendly and low-carbon, such as solar energy, tidal power, geothermal energy, and so forth. As far as I am concerned, this is an applicable and sensible avenue to relief the energy crisis and to solve our environment problems.
Undeniably, since the Industrial Revolution (1750), mankind has depended on fossil fuels, where the electricity mainly comes from. However, say not exaggeratedly, that is the proximate cause of the environmental contamination and the global warming in the recent decades. Moreover, toxic gases, such as sulphur dioxide and nitrogen oxides, as well as contaminated water are dreadfully poisonous to human being, flora and fauna.
As an alternative for conventional energy sources, especially considering the various troubles thay bring, clean energy is playing an increasingly significant role in modern life and production. For instance, a growing number of hybrid electric vehicles are chosen by consumers, and more solar panels are instlaled by manufacturers. Consequently, less contaminating exhaust will be emitted and the public will access to better cities and a better life.
Furthermore, from a different angle, these alternative energy sources also create considerable economic benefits. Currently, with the deterioration of the global inflation, crude oil and natural resource prices have remained high, which in turn add cost to domestic manufacturing industries, whereas these problems can be solved by encouraging the utilization of renewable and sustainable alternative energy.
To sum up, from my point of view, alternative energy sources are the top-priority choice to achieve a win-win situation between the environment and the economy.
Note:
电动车叫electric vehicles不是electronic vehicles 电子车
这篇改动的稍多了一些，看看是不是满意，觉得你还是对一些小词的用法掌握的不是很好，还是慢慢体会吧
对以中文为母语的人来说，写成这样，已经不错了
有一些连接词在使用上不必太套那些格式，可以用一些自己的词汇，否则，如果你写出几十篇，估计都会是一个模子的
带有track changes的编辑版本已经发到邮箱，请注意查收
http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/243550783.html
In many countries, good schools and medical facilities are available only in cities. Some people think university graduates who become new teachers and doctors should work in rural areas for a few years. What is your view?
【习作正文】【本篇共计345字】
With the dramatic improvement of higher education in many countires, torrents of graduates pour into the booming employment market, which provide the job-hunters with two alternatives — urban work or rural jobs. To many university graduates, it’s a knotty dilemma, especially when it comes to the situation about teachers-to-be and doctors-to-be. However, some of them, who are attracted by the high standard of school and medical facilities, are apt to work in cities. In contrast, as far as I am concerned, rural areas should be chosen by the university graduates for their nascent stages of careers.
To start with, it’s fair to say that, most of the graduates, freshly out of school, barely have any practical working experience. Inconsistently, they are very ambitious and even arrogant. Obviously, the rural jobs can put them ‘back to the ground’ by putting them back to the basic realities of the grass-roots society and avoid them from holding the highbrow illusion of their abilities and value. Furthermore, the period of working in rural regions affords the green hands a substantial amount of chances to consolidate their knowledge of in education or medicine and applies their theories to practice, especially considering the fact that the problems they would come across in the rural areas tend to be more simple and basic than that in the urban areas.
Undeniably, those working in cities have more access to better facilities, such as multimedia for teaching, type B ultrasonic for diagnosis and so forth. Whereas the rural jobs would give the green hands added opportunities to deal with the lower-class people, who could bring the graduates more patience and sympathy which is the essential qualification for both teachers and doctors. Meanwhile, neither of the two characters can be substituted for the high-end equipments, especially in their nascent stages of careers.
In summary, I am convinced that working in rural areas for a few years is a sensible and responsible alternative for the graduates who are at the beginning of their careers and in the period of professional morality construction.
已发到邮箱，而且存成了Word，里面有track changes功能，可以看到做了哪些修改
少数拼写错误和用词不够准确，已经修改，总的来说，写的不错，我不清楚这种考试的作文评分标准，不过如果满分为十分的话，我想你得八分应该差不多，继续努力！
1. 总体评价 6－7
（1）文章结构基本正确
（2）文笔不错，句型丰富，词汇量也比较大，反应出作者有较好的语言能力。
（3）未照搬未些模板，原创。
但是有几处缺点：
（1）结构上的问题：Directions中所给的背景未用到，即In many countries, good schools and medical facilities are available only in cities，也未针对此点进行展开，第三段写的是在城市工作的好处，而不是这个背景的意义。
事实上，这句话应当作为文章的引子，即采用background introduction的方法来引出topic。第三段中的内容可精简为一两句，说明good schools and medical facilities are available only in cities是因为new graduates are pouring into cities。于是第二段就自然地出来了主题句But some people are beginning to realize that rural areas could be a better starting point.
（2）第二段是本文的body部分，但是主题句跑到第一段中去了。严重错误。
（3）有些用词过于追求生僻和“大”，事实上没有必要，文章反而不自然。
（4）全文写了345个词，没有必要那么长。
1. 总体评价 6－7
（1）文章结构基本正确
（2）文笔不错，句型丰富，词汇量也比较大，反应出作者有较好的语言能力。
（3）未照搬未些模板，原创。
但是有几处缺点：
（1）结构上的问题：Directions中所给的背景未用到，即In many countries, good schools and medical facilities are available only in cities，也未针对此点进行展开，第三段写的是在城市工作的好处，而不是这个背景的意义。
事实上，这句话应当作为文章的引子，即采用background introduction的方法来引出topic。第三段中的内容可精简为一两句，说明good schools and medical facilities are available only in cities是因为new graduates are pouring into cities。于是第二段就自然地出来了主题句But some people are beginning to realize that rural areas could be a better starting point.
（2）第二段是本文的body部分，但是主题句跑到第一段中去了。严重错误。
（3）有些用词过于追求生僻和“大”，事实上没有必要，文章反而不自然。
（4）全文写了345个词，没有必要那么长。
语法错误几乎没有
词汇上，第一段中的alternation本应是alternatives或者更朴实的options，最后一段中的alternative用choice更好。
最后的几个词professional morality construction在body中并未论述，不知何以出现在结论中。
姑妄言之，你也姑妄听之吧。：）
5分
J
求英语高手帮忙批改一下雅思小作文
While the water consumption ...Finally, 总结2图的共同点或差异点，或者对比2图得出上面结论等等...这样才符合外国人写文章的逻辑。。。但是要我批改你作文的话就不行了。。。我语法就算个渣渣。。。只能给你这样的建议了。。。毕竟好几年没考过雅思了。。。但是 英语写作技能还是知道点点的。。。
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